Tales of a (Recovering) Disordered Eater

Sometimes it just takes a nudge to get us moving again towards a goal.

I remember that feeling of being paralyzed about mid-way through my senior year of college.

I didn’t have a job lined up for after graduation, I
knew my then-boyfriend (now husband) was moving overseas after graduation to fulfill his military obligation in his home country, and my friends were all making their plans to spread out around the country.

I felt alone, lost and uneasy–fairly natural for most co-eds about to be tossed into the “real world.” I wanted to stay in D.C. but my internship at U.S. News & World Report wasn’t going to last past May, and even if I stayed, where would I live if all my best friends were leaving?!

But then one day I got some literature about the graduate communications program at my university (American). They call it the 5-yr track; in five years you’d have your bachelor’s and master’s. I realized that I had met the requirements already (by taking some upper-level comm classes) to do my master’s in one year. All I had to do was to apply — I didn’t even need to take GREs.

It didn’t happen overnight, but things seemed to fall into place. By the time I got my acceptance letter that April, I felt calm and secure in my decision to continue my education, and also in my ability to “make it” on my own. I landed a kick-ass internship at the National Education Association (which is why I was in NYC on September 11), and was able to sublet an apartment right near school.

Within a year, I had my master’s degree in public communication– and I couldn’t have been prouder. All it took was that initial nudge, and my anxiety levels dropped.

Recently, you’ve heard me talk about feeling like I was in a rut and then the next day, I felt awesome and inspired and motivated again. What happened, you might wonder? What nudged me to go after this weight loss goal?

Well, in the mirror last week, after staring at my figure with disgust, I realized that a year had passed and I was still dealing with the same weight gain (and then some), and the same negative body image.

Before, it was a case of body dysmorphia — when I was newly-thin and still saw myself as “fat.” I was the Drama Queen of “fat” and I wore the tiara with pride.

But now, I actually was experiencing what everyone and their mom seems to talk about “weight gain” — real, tenable weight gain. And I wanted to do something about it. I needed to do something about it: for my health, as well as so my clothes look and feel better.

I remembered that when I’d been journaling on Sparkpeople, I’d had success last winter. And so that little nudge — seeing my true reflection in the mirror — encouraged me to take the leap of faith to go back to Sparkpeople for a bit. Suddenly I felt calm about weight loss again — not anxious, not frustrated.

And you know what? I realized I was definitely eating too much to lose (yes, even following WW).

It’s only been five days of steadily journaling on Sparkpeople, and I can see results already. I won’t say numbers right now — I don’t want to focus on that — but I will say, watching the numbers go down each morning is such a breath of fresh air. I didn’t gain the weight overnight and don’t expect to lose it, but my Mexico goal seems much more attainable now, especially with this rejuvenation.

For the first time in a long time. I feel cool, calm and collected about both my weight and my disordered eating. I’m not chewing and spitting, and I’m not waking up and eating in the middle of the night. I’m not obsessing about the scale or journaling — I’m treating them like the tools they are.

I’m sticking to my ranges (which turns out to be LESS than what I was eating on Weight Watchers), exercising like normal. I’m not mindlessly munching or engaging in emotional eating. I don’t feel deprived, I don’t feel obsessed. I’m focusing on nutrition — power foods, foods that fuel. I’ve also been diligent about getting in good fat.

Plus, I’ve been enjoying myself. When my husband and I went on a date to this adorable Irish pub in Ann Arbor Saturday night, I didn’t order a salad or anything with chicken (my default protein).

Instead, I had something that had caught my eye when we checked out the menu outside before deciding where to go. I had honey-glazed pork tenderloin medallions, a half a baked potato, mixed veggies and a taste of delicious Irish soda bread. It felt normal and wonderful at the same time.

I don’t know how long this love affair will last, but I do know I feel like a saner version of myself. I love not feeling obsessed — yet feeling very much in control.

I guess you could call me one freezing cold, chilly “Cucumber.”

How about you? Do you recall a nudge that helped you reach a personal or professional goal?