Archive for August, 2008
Biking Through the Years: Against Stress, Towards Freedom
I don’t know about you, but I had the pink Huffy with the banana seat and the white basket in front that every other little girl in my neighborhood seemed to have back in the early 80s.
(Yes, I looked for an image and sadly no, I couldn’t find one!)
It was my first bike, and once the training wheels came off, it carried me everywhere my parents would let it go… (which usually just meant a couple laps around the cul-de-sac til I was about 10!)
Back then, my bike meant temporary freedom and independence. Without a care in the world back then, I didn’t see it as a fitness tool, an adventure-provider, a stress reliever … And surely I didn’t view it as a practical mode of transportation like I do now.
It was, quite simply, a way to escape from my “annoying” little siblings. (more…)
8 comments August 29, 2008
If it’s Raining … Just. Let. It. Rain.
August '99, a pic I took of a rainbow over Iguazu Falls (Argentina)
Tuesday I was feeling particularly down, and he shared this quote with me:
“The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.”
Again, such an obvious nugget of wisdom, but its significance coarsed through me all day. It’s not easy for me to “let go” of anything. Like many women, I struggle with this in many facets of my life.
And sometimes when we’re feeling blue, we just want to “snap out of it.”
We’re encouraged by society to move on, to “get over it” (whatever “it” is).
But here’s my question to you today: If we don’t let ourselves feel whatever it is we’re feeling, aren’t we denying ourselves the capacity to heal? (more…)
9 comments August 28, 2008
Music & Lyrics
I have two songs stuck in my head on repeat play right now.
One is O.A.R.’s “Shattered” (I saw them in concert a couple years ago–fab!)
“How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around…”
This is the melancholy, angst-ridden me digging it.
The other is Natasha Bedingfield’s “Pocketful of Sunshine,” which asks someone to “Take me away…” and makes me smile every time I hear it; the tune is so catchy in spite of the lyrics being a little darker.
Ironically (or perhaps not so ironically) both are duelling one another in my head, speaking to me on different levels. (more…)
5 comments August 27, 2008
Internal Battle: Me vs. Me
Image credit: http://english.pravda.ru
On the one hand, I want to be “free” from the chains of dieting, which I talked about yesterday, being tenet “numero uno” of Intuitive Eating.
I know that this will be the next step toward overcoming my disordered eating habits, which have really been dwindled down in the past two months to the occasional midnight snack and the now-more-frequent chewing-and-spitting incidents.
But on the other hand, I feel like my life is in this state of limbo right now, and since I don’t have the freedom at home to prep-cook and plan and since a lot of meals are uncertain, the only thing keeping my sanity seems to be counting Points and my daily workouts.
And then making matters worse, my lovely monthly visitor arrives today, wreaking havoc on my emotions. I don’t like the person I become for two to three days each month. And now, my behavior matters even more, as I have an audience (our visitors).
I’ve been told that perhaps I am focusing too much on “me” during this time and I ought to direct my emotions toward my husband and giving him the ability to enjoy his visit with his family.
Perhaps I have been too selfish. People who know me well know I wear my heart on my sleeve; that I am a giver, generous, thoughtful … But this person I stare at in the mirror lately is full of rage, loathing, distaste…she’s ugly.
This isn’t how I want to be.
So for today, I’d like to not fight myself. I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to dislike the “me” I am at the moment.
And if I can’t handle breaking 100% from the dieting mentality right now, so be it. I’d rather count Points and keep up my workouts and maintain my sanity then go off the deep end because I can’t handle all the changes at once.
I’m going to give myself credit for what I am doing right now: continuing my exercise regimen, continuing to eat healthy, and not letting an uncomfortable situation turn me into a binge monster.
(OK truth be told I’ve never really had an all-out “binge” the way everyone else defines a binge, but I have snacked mindlessly all the while counting Points … and to me that out-of-control feeling of eating food I don’t need qualifies as a binge).
Bottom line: I do know that Intuitive Eating and Core are where I want to be…and I’ll get there. It might just be at my own pace.
How about you? How do you handle internal battles? What can you give yourself credit for today?
12 comments August 26, 2008
Intuitive Eating
Though I am still not through The Four-Day Win by Martha Beck, I’d been wanting to read Intuitive Eating for a long time now.
I finally bit the bullet this weekend when it became available through my library’s inter-library exchange program. (Beware: long blog entry ahead!)
Within the first few pages, I realized I am a restrictive eater, even when trying not to be.
I also realized that my “thesis” that dieting led to my disordered eating was proven, granting me a strange sense of validation. In fact, there’s even a whole chapter in this second edition book titled “Intuitive Eating: The Ultimate Path Toward Healing from Eating Disorders,” which I found compelling and timely.
Though “eating disorders” are mostly described, they do also use the expression “disordered eating” several times. And in nearly every case study they offer, it was dieting and the subsequent euphoria/confidence from it that compelled these subjects to, in time, engage in self-destructive behaviors.
I know in my heart of hearts that I didn’t have a problem with eating before dieting and finding success with Weight Watchers.
And though I can’t blame my disordered eating habits solely on food issues–I understand now that it’s a coping mechanism for anxiety–I know that I still do not have a healthy, “normal” relationship with food or exercise. (more…)
16 comments August 25, 2008
Accepting Deprivation With Grace
“You need to learn to accept deprivation with grace,” Dr. G. advised me last night.
“You’ll need to change your mindset about how you’re viewing their visit… and it won’t be easy.”
(In case you haven’t figured out by now, Thursday generally = therapy).
We were talking about my anxiety levels with my in-laws being here, and how it no doubt puts a strain on my relationship with my husband, as well as how I feel about myself and my quasi-”hateful” reactions at times.
She said no doubt I am deprived right now (she said she would be too!): my whole house has been “invaded,” foreign objects and foods and “things” are everywhere, depriving me of my sense of “order”.
There’s a language challenge (despite me speaking Spanish and my mother-in-law speaking English, neither of us are completely fluent anymore) which means my communication abilities are deprived. (more…)
13 comments August 22, 2008
Interested Vs. Committed
Our wedding rings, the ultimate symbol of commitment.
Back in 2004, it was so fresh and new. And I was committed, 110%!
Before Weight Watchers, I’d never dieted a day in my life, so it was easy to adapt it as a lifestyle. I knew nothing else.
As a result, the scale kept rewarding me with smaller numbers week by week. My clothes were getting looser. And my confidence was soaring.
By the time I stepped off the plane in El Salvador to visit my then-boyfriend (now husband) in December, I was one hot mamita and man, I felt it!
But four years into this new body, the shiny-new-body-luster isn’t there anymore. I’m just “me.” (more…)
12 comments August 21, 2008
Putting it into Perspective…
Today marks the two-year memorial of my best (male) friend from college, Jason, who died after a brave, five-year battle with brain cancer on August 21, 2006 at the tender age of 27.
Jason and I met the very first day of college at American University during the Freshman Service Experience, a pre-freshman-orientation program that grouped students together throughout our new city–Washington, DC– to do volunteer work the week before classes began.
Big and brawny and sarcastic as a whip, we hit it off immediately. From Mt. Lebanon, Pa., he knew everything about everything, and wasn’t afraid to challenge you … or praise you.
He was an “equal opportunity offender” whose face is next to the word “snark,” in Webster’s, but he had a heart of gold.
He was convinced he was Jewish (like me and half of AU!) even though his last name was Smith (”My grandmother was German and she made kugel!”).
And he was the only guy I know who lined his cabinets and knew more about the style of my jeans than I did. (If you’re wondering if he was gay, the answer was yes–but as he says, he “didn’t know it then”). (more…)
25 comments August 21, 2008
A Little (Body) TLC
Image credit: amaze.typepad.com
At least now I have an explanation for the behavior, but stress and anxiety aren’t the only reasons why I have been falling back into old habits.
Part of it is that I’m not giving my body enough TLC.
I can feel my husband’s embrace around my waist, get compliments over Facebook from people I haven’t seen in years, hear someone at work tell me I look good … but if I, Melissa, am not giving my body the tender-loving-care it needs, well, I’m only hurting myself.
Today, my vow is simple: to not chew-and-spit. (more…)
9 comments August 20, 2008
Hankering for Harmony
As a Libra, I’ve spent most of my adult life searching for balance.
The challenge is that my “hardware” is wired to be “black-and-white” versus “gray,” and so my very existence contradicts my own zodiac sign.
And even though I am on a quest for a more gray existence, I’m not there yet. Baby steps, sure, but I’m admittedly not there yet.
Reading the newest issue of SELF at the gym this morning (with JLo on the cover looking smoking hot!), I came across an article where a woman’s father had given her the advice to basically stop seeking “balance” but rather look for harmony in life.
Harmony, what a concept. Not something I’d ever given much thought to, but something certainly worth pondering. (more…)
4 comments August 19, 2008
