Archive for July, 2008
Remembering CBT at 1:30 a.m.
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a terrible foot irritation (I finally went to the doc today since my home remedies weren’t working–it’s ezcema!) which has been waking me up more often than usual. Sometimes it has led to a midnight “snack,” but not always.
So anyway, at 1:30 this morning I woke up, used the bathroom, slathered my home remedy til I could see a doc–hydrocortisone cream– on my feet, washed my hands. I checked my bank account (yup, I got paid!), wrote some e-mails.
But I simply couldn’t sleep; there was something else on my mind. My brain turned to food. (more…)
6 comments July 31, 2008
A “Healthy” Obsession?
Image credit: www.ok.gov
Yes, I realize this is my blog about disordered eating, which in most people’s minds equals “bad,” but let me explain.
(I’m searching for the “gray” here, trying to avoid black and white terms.)
See, although it’s caused me a lot of internal strife, it seems as though my obsession has almost worked in my favor, in the sense that I’ve not allowed myself to gain more than a couple pounds from my lowest, attained in 2004.
True, I’m not “at goal” at the moment (teetering about 5-7 lbs from it still depending on that time of the month) but it’s attainable, and I am working on changing some unhealthy behaviors associated with disordered eating that drain me.
I really think the reason I haven’t gained more (or “let myself” gain more) is because even under the most stressful of situations (and I’ve had many over the years), I’m naturally hard-wired to be regimented, at all costs. So I still ate well and exercised–two surefire ways for keeping the weight off.
And in spite of the ugly behaviors that began since losing weight, I’ve still been able to maintain a healthy weight–and now I just want to do it in a healthier, happier way. (more…)
16 comments July 31, 2008
Learning to Live in Shades of Gray
Note: I didn’t intend to blog about all of my therapy sessions, but I realize now that they have been/will continue to be a huge part of my journey. I fear keeping them out of this blog would take away some of the authenticity and transparency I am trying to maintain. I hope you, as readers, don’t mind!
Last night was my second therapy session, and something we talked about was the tendency for anxious people like myself to see the world very black and white, versus embracing the world’s many shades of gray.
Though as humans we want to make a simple choices of, “Yes or No,” really, life isn’t quite so simple and is lived in that in-between shade of gray.
But for someone with anxiety disorder–or someone who is OCD like me (I got the billing last night that I am blessed with both!) it’s very hard for us to live in the gray.
For us, there’s right and wrong. Black and white. Gray? Um, that’s reserved for the color of my favorite Ann Taylor dress pants!
One of the cognitive behavioral therapy exercises we did last night was she had me walk through my midnight eating incidents and my thought processes that occur when it happens, to identify rational and irrational thoughts so we can sort through them. (more…)
19 comments July 30, 2008
What My “Fat” Wants to Tell Me
Depending on the time of the month, my reading repertoire at the gym expands from my usual subscription magazines I bring from home (Fitness, Shape, Self, Cooking Light, Women’s Health) to magazines I find there, such as Yoga Journal, Body & Soul, Women’s Day and Good Housekeeping.
This morning I came across an article worth sharing in the (now-ancient) March 2008 edition of Good Housekeeping, written by emotional eating expert Geneen Roth, author of seven books and numerous published works.
Titled “The Cookie Burglar: Stop Binge Eating”, the article resonated with me so much that I just had to share it here.
Her premise is that we binge for a reason, and if it was all bad, we wouldn’t do it. In some way or another, we get something positive from bingeing, even if we don’t see it that way.
As Roth says, “… if it weren’t helping you in some fundamental way, you’d stop. Regardless of how it may appear, what we do really does make sense. Our actions — especially with food — are inherently sane. In fact, they are expressions of our brilliance at getting our needs met. “
So though it sounds counter-intuitive to wanting to lose weight, bingeing sometimes helps us–perhaps it helps us combat boredom, or avoid intimacy (if I’m fat no one will want me). And until we listen to what our “fat” is telling us, how the bingeing is “helping,” she argues, we won’t be able stop the vicious cycle. (more…)
28 comments July 29, 2008
The American Way
Image source: www.wsaq.net
Generalizing, we’re taught from a young age to always be our best: to get As; to win the football game; to bring home the Gold. We’re encouraged to make money; to buy a nice home.
We’re a very driven people, and you could argue that is what has led to our success as a nation (and also to our potential downfall in the eyes of much of the world, but I’ll save that for a politically-charged commentary elsewhere!)
But when it comes to weight loss and disordered eating issues, “the American way” is truly a double-edged sword, at least in my eyes. Our psyche tells us to keep going, lose more weight…but doesn’t that seek to fuel this kind of behavior?
What if we looked in the mirror at our hips with maybe just a little extra padding, or our thighs that sort of rub together, and didn’t hate on ourselves … but rather saw past physical presence and looked back satisfied on our accomplishments?
Would we be going against the grain, by embracing the present versus striving for something better in the future?
I don’t know. (more…)
2 comments July 29, 2008
Thank You/Update
I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone for reading my blog and continuing to share your insight and experiences here, to get the dialogue going. It means so much to me to “hear” you so engaged.
I’ve registered the blog at BlogHer.com and am seeing some traffic coming from there. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Weetabix at Elastic Waist and Steph at Back in Skinny Jeans for giving my blog some exposure, and taking a chance on a newbie blogger.
I have pitched my story to SELF magazine, and am waiting to hear back from the staffer I was put in touch with.
Tomorrow is my next therapy session, and I’m looking forward to beginning this journey with the wind at my back and the big sky ahead.
Cheers to a happy, healthy evening!
3 comments July 28, 2008
Nearly Missing the Bus
I remember my first brush with anxiety like it was yesterday.
It was raining. I was seven years old, rushing out of my elementary school to catch my bus at dismissal, with my bookbag slung over my shoulder and my lunch box slapping against my thigh in the mad dash to the big yellow bus.
I was about to climb the ribbed, black rubber stairs when Mrs. La Bar, a mean, crochety old second-grade teacher, stopped me in my tracks, berating me for running–especially in the rain.
“You,” she said, pointing at me. “Come with me.”
I’d never been in trouble before. Ever. The sheer horror on my face must have been priceless.
I turned around, my cheeks flushed, and my heart pounded in my chest. Fear gripped me as I followed her back inside. No, no, no! What if I miss the bus?!
Apparently not caring about the tears pricking my eyes, she lectured me about the dangers of running in the rain. All the while she talked, my blurred eyes were focused on the clock. In two minutes, the buses will be pulling away, hurry, hurry!
As it turns out, I didn’t miss the bus. She made a motion for my driver to wait, and brought me back outside just before my bus was about to pull away.
I’m not sure, but I think I cried the whole way home. (more…)
11 comments July 28, 2008
Accepting Your Hardware
I had my very first therapy session last night, and I’m happy to say it went really well.
I was naturally a little nervous at the very beginning, but over the session, we gelled and I really liked both her attitude and approach. She made me laugh, and of course see things I didn’t see before. I am sure as time goes on, I’ll see so much more. But I am confident now that I am taking the right steps.
Though I didn’t find out until the middle of the session, it turns out that within seconds she had (quite correctly) diagnosed me with having anxiety. We had a chuckle when she shared that; I’m that easy to read, huh?!
(I guess given her therapist title, she’s pretty perceptive; she also guessed I was an ESFP per the Myers-Briggs Personality Test; though last time I took it I was an ENFP, I think I’m actually more closely aligned to the ESFP type).
Apparently, she thinks anxiety is actually what is likely behind my disordered eating; that the disordered eating behaviors are not so much a food issue as a result of my nature as an anxious person. It’s just manifesting itself in weight issues now, which makes sense, whereas it was evident in other facets of my life previously. So anxiety is what we will be exploring and coming to terms with. (more…)
26 comments July 25, 2008
Seeking Improvement, Not Perfection
Tonight is my first therapy session. I’ll be honest, I’m a little nervous. I’m the kind of person who wears her heart on her sleeve. Open to a fault. And though I’ve put it all out there in cyberspace, it’s going to be very different discussing my disordered eating behaviors with someone else, someone who doesn’t know me or my background.
That said, I hope to brush off these anxious feelings and go in with an open mind.
I really want to absorb the entire experience, and I realize it might take months (or years) to “heal.”
The thing is, I’m willing to go that extra mile. Because this behavior doesn’t just affect me mentally and physically… It impacts my relationships with my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers.
Being so rigid about my intake and output makes me less fun to hang out with, and I want to find fun again, panache in life. Being so obsessed with my weight has minimized my passions for scrapbooking and reading, two things I always enjoyed. I just want to be “me” again — a less OCD, less strict version of myself.
My new motto going forward is “Seeking improvement, not perfection;” I need to remember the importance of “balance” in this equation. I hope embracing this adage will help me shift perspective and really make positive changes, day by day. (more…)
15 comments July 24, 2008
Harnessing Synergy
Reading Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People was one of the requirements for my interpersonal communication class in graduate school. I surprised myself by devouring it cover to cover before the assignment was even due.
Of all his habits, the one that resounded the most with me was the second to last, “Synergize.” Per Stephen Covey’s Web site: … So put it simply, synergy means “two heads are better than one.” Synergize is the habit of creative cooperation. It is teamwork, open-mindedness, and the adventure of finding new solutions to old problems. But it doesn’t just happen on its own. It’s a process, and through that process, people bring all their personal experience and expertise to the table. Together, they can produce far better results that they could individually. Synergy lets us discover jointly things we are much less likely to discover by ourselves. It is the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. One plus one equals three, or six, or sixty–you name it.
When people begin to interact together genuinely, and they’re open to each other’s influence, they begin to gain new insight. The capability of inventing new approaches is increased exponentially because of differences…
The way I see it, synergy isn’t about compromise, but rather coming up with that third option, that combo that brings out the best in all of us. So how does something that typically is used in internal communication strategies or couples therapy pertain to me, this blog and disordered eating?
Well, this very blog is, in my eyes, an act of synergy. (more…)
4 comments July 23, 2008
